A Journey of Solace Serenade

Forget it, and you’ll remember.
You are out of chalks to write on that board, but you’ll remember what to bring. What to do. The journey is in front of you, and you won’t treat it like any other trip, because it will feel like an extraordinary trip.

Dripping toughts.
Get out from unnecessary distractions. It is very easy to remain the goals. For the more of walking time, it reminds you to prays of hope and cure of any painfuls. You’re not going to see something, but to receive something. A greater devotion, a distance to get closer.

Looking for a hand in the dark, where actually people hold you.
Betrayal, infidelity, and unending heartbreak: Oh, the stories that they could tell. Yet we are afraid and fearless at the same time as babies. We got heart. Yeah we’ve got.

And in a brief moment of sincere and clarity, you knew that staying with me would be more secure than anything the blackness could hold.



Twin Sister - All around and Away We Go (Teen Daze Remix)
Matt Van Schie - Journey
Toro Y Moi - Before I'm Done
Jackie Moon - Love Me Sexy
Gipsy and The Cat - The Piper's Song (Aeroplane Remix)
Au Revoir Simone - Backyards
Body Language - Tempoture
Kamp! - Distance of The Modern Hearts
Badly Drawn Boy - Promises (Beyond The Wizards Sleeve Reanimation)

cover: Jeff Pitcher

Download it here

Stepping Stones

Please don't cry.

You know all you have to do is just passing another stepping stone. Another change in your life, where change is a choice and inevitable. You realized, that you’re powerless to change certain situations and cirsumstances. It's alright, my dear, you can do something within the context of time, the attempt to encapsulate, still capturing moments and make them real, make them count and not allowing them to become some hazy blur of color, perhaps artistically beautiful yet remain undefined and muted nonetheless.

We try to hold on.

You try to hold on.

you know, "that person" are probably something or someone who’ll make you see the moments that are spectacular and alive and not as something transitory and vanishing. Something instance that’ll teach us that letting go of the past is not a sign of helplessness or inability but a mark of courage and our capacity to hope and have faith. And your start-over maybe is a new change. But you see, start over sometimes become the most difficult thing to do be it with love, friendship, work, everything, since you hurt once, the middle is where the heart of it all lies, and who knows when you fail again, ending is the most bitter without the sweet.

so yeah, that leads you : start over is a massive stepping stone.

You realize what this and that really means? when do you start to be satisfied with who you are and what you have? when do you start to end this searching for where to start?

Melosa.

Imagine you as a melody.

Name the tune that played, either in our mind, or around us, through all of our biggest lovelife moments. The first kiss. The first experience of lovemaking. The first great heartbreak. However, you have been so a part of me that I can recall the music that played around me, or in me, at most of my smaller moments as well. The first cup of coffee I ever drank. The first day of a new job. The first song I ever put on a cell phone. Yes, it may seem strange, but I am that musically inclined.

Some believe, as I never used to, that soulmates do exist. That there is one person in all the world that can bring about ultimate fulfillment, boundless love, and perfect completeness in your life. And finding you, i always keep up the trust, it won't be hard, because i always see that you are my perfect melody.



painting: Niki Sands

Rasuk

. Sebuah titik mendobrak dimensi keterkejutan. Setahuku dia sedang berada di Irlandia. Dan sekarang, dia hadir, menjadi pengganti kehadirannya yang biasanya hanya berupa kata, ekspresi dan makna emoticon belaka. Percuma dia mengenakan pakaian hitam-hitam, karena senyumnya seketika memusnahkan rasa duka.

Hari itu adalah hari dimana ayahku meninggal dunia, dan dia sengaja datang untuk berbela-sungkawa. Tersenyum. Sambil merangkul hangat. Berbagi kata-kata bijaksana yang ia dapat dari nasehat neneknya tercinta. "Verdure", bisik sahabatku mengomentari kedatangannya. Terlalu magis memang, verdure. Seakan-akan dia tidak pernah mengalami kegelisahan bahkan masa suram. Tapi nyatanya karena dia, suatu hari aku pernah berteriak, reality, i dare you to come and bite me!

Itu bukanlah yang pertama kali.

Bukan yang kedua kali. Bukan yang ketiga kali. Kalau sudah lebih dari tujuh kali, aku mulai mencurigainya sebagai sosok yang hadir dari dunia hiperrealitas. Ini kali keempat dia datang, dan membuka luka lama sebagai kekasih lama. Lima tahun berlalu, dan selama lima tahun itulah dia sesekali hadir dalam suatu senja, bercerita. Breaking the ice when we've got nothing to say. Selalu aku yang tertegun, bagaimana bisa aku begitu saja menerima muntahan humor estetisnya, ocehan filusufnya, sementara dia cukup puas dengan senyumku yang jumawa. Breaking the ice, and the next feeling we're just like a newlywed, during their honeymoon on ice, even that's just another way to hell through a bridge of heaven, karena seperti biasa, dia akan mengakhirinya dengan, "Jangan terlalu banyak berharap, karena itu akan membuatku menjadi seorang pencetak mimpi yang tidak ada bedanya dengan tukang obat".

Maka aku hanya bisa menelan kata-katanya bulat-bulat. Another story about that irish girl, this irish boy, how's the life without people's intervention, including mine, especially mine.

Sampai hari ini.

Sampai ketika sebuah kenyataan lain berbicara. Ternyata akulah sang pencetak mimpi, bukan dia. Ketika aku berkata bahwa kematian ayah memutuskanku untuk pergi berkelana, dia memberontak dengan keras. "Jangan", pintanya dengan sangat. Dia bilang, ibarat pohon tua, kehadiranku sudah terlalu mengakar di kota tua ini. "Jangan pergi. You cannot pull up the roots. your roots, with our story, our city, our roots". Mungkin dia khawatir, dia tidak akan pernah bisa mendatangiku lagi untuk bercerita. Aku terdiam. Maaf. Hanya kata itu yang aku ingin dengar, dan aku tidak akan pernah pergi. Tapi dia hanya memintaku untuk tinggal, tanpa menyebutkan kata itu, walaupun aku tidak pernah meminta. Biarkan aku pergi, ucapku padanya. Mungkin aku akan pergi ke India, Mesir, Amerika, atau Berlin. Tapi tidak Irlandia. Aku akan melakukan sebuah revolusi. I'm gonna be the man with a new qualified of modern noble savage.

Dan terjadilah peristiwa yang terjadi untuk pertama kalinya.

Tangisnya pun pecah menderau-derau. Baru kali ini aku melihatnya demikian. Ada sebuah rasa bangga yang menyeruak diantara kesedihan. Ternyata penderitaan ini menjadi sebuah kesalahan. Tidak perlu kata untuk menjelaskan, karena derau dan kesalahan telah membuatku menjadi tahu, tangisnya menandakan bahwa pendongeng itu adalah kekasihku sepanjang masa. I will always have her heart. Ketika lima tahun menjadi waktu yang dirasa terlalu terburu-buru, aku akhirnya berkata, "Biarkanlah kebebasan ini mengalir, because one day, i'll fight the future for you.", dan dalam hati aku menambahkan, maybe.

Aku pergi, meninggalkannya. Ketika wajah kekasihku meninggalkan sebuah tanya tanpa kata, akhirnya aku menyerah dan berpesan padanya,
"Temui aku di Malino, 22 maret 2012."

Disitulah akhir semua perkara.




15 juni 2010,
(inspired by the album "Rasuk"
by The Trees and The Wild)

Sebuah Percakapan.

SUATU HARI.
when the past is simply a point of reference, all in a sudden it's like, a person came from another dimention. i come in peace, he said, just like an alien. my name is mr.what's-in-a-name. PEGANG TANGAN SAYA, ajak dia sambil tersenyum. as if we start holding on together, the more i know, the more this world getting misterously beautiful. simply hold become arm and hand intertwinings. What are you? hey mr.oh-i-don't-care-about-your-name-then, please have a little responsibility. here's my little situation. by the time you hold me tight, i cannot verbalize my own happiness. you, strangely made me happy. i wish i could hold the explotion here. i even can't say i love you, though i already did, am, and who knows will still. blame my most precious defense mechanisms. but with you, PELUK SAYA, saya minta. hug me with your fear, my fear, our fear. we're not a person who bring rain clouds on a leash and "share" it with others. we live in a world where everyone has a role with their great elaborate scripts. maybe this time, even for a while, i’m throwing in my manuscripts and demanding a break from the director, i want everything just as it is, impulsive.

The Ephermal Sunshine of The Blemished Mind

broadcasting sometimes could be one of the best remedy. you share it with your listeners, you play the song that suits your feeling. it was touch and go. and when a broadcaster going through their difficult times, it's hilarious how you turn on the radio and even the most cliché things perfectly capture how you feel them. And then you realize why people wrote those songs. we're not special. we're humanbeings. hopefully, as a listener, you get a feeling like you understand a moment when you just can't get away from your problems. you leave your house, you're driving down the road, you're going to do something different, and all of a sudden you hear, oh, here's their story on the radio.




edvard munch - separation



please let me keep this memory of us singing this song....

i wanna relish the moment.when we're lying in my bed. smoking watched the sun rising and inhaling each other's scents. open the windows. and let the breeze touch our skin. open your eyes. let's make it worth waiting. your whispers were spellbinding. your kisses infatuating. your caress was my oasis your whispers were bewitching. your kisses mesmerized me. your caress was my oasis. when I gently touched your hair. i could feel you're shivering as you moved your body closer i could feel that love had come. your whispers were spellbinding. your kisses infatuating. your caress was my oasis your whispers were bewitching. your kisses mesmerized me. your caress was my oasis.
----- "dew" by santamonica.


now i'm ready for the next chapter.

the premature decision.

my brother once told me wisely, that sometimes, a good separation came from a silent trigger. you can see the symptoms. constant changes, hidden distraction (you name it, brah!). we had our long conversation about something that keeps running on our head, about decision and conclusion of our own life.
i appreciate our beautiful mind. for what i agree, i believe, that, a grown-up relationship will need an innermost contemplation, a something that could arrange your present love, while probably solitude will arrange itself (i said probably). sooo........talking about mine?
he was looking at me sadly. he knew. "go on sis, tell me" he said.

see the thing is, i have this difficulties to explain on why i should see that, this is not a failure, no, but more like force majeure. as a grown up relationship trying to be, this may be the most massive struggle we've ever done to really make it works. the dangerous phase where actually everything is fun but vaguely not fine, all covered up in a perfect beautiful package. we're not a coin who has a different side that complete each other, we're the same side. you can see another version of me in him. totally. we reach at a point when i finally realized that this is the war. the war that we don't made, this is the tragicomedy story that we can't see clearly. once again, (i hate to say this) this relationship stays in purgatory (purgatory, brah, ring a bell of something? dante alighiery?hehehe)


so blame me, for being the trigger. i had to. i refuse to fall into the same hole. shit happens but we're no longer in the kindergarten where kermit from sesame street taught us a simple and honest message, please step aside. see the different between childhood and adulthood.

you were right my brother, i have to take the premature decision.

Sunday's Activity

The other day is just a day. Senin, selasa, rabu, kamis, jumat, sabtu. They're just fine. So so. But not sunday, i love sunday
Same old lovely sunday. Saya adalah tipikal orang yang selalu mengalami rutinitas minggu yang menyenangkan, dimana orang-orang sekitar saya tentunya mengetahui aktifitas apa yang saya lakukan, dan dengan siapa.

Memang terkadang kita mengalami kejenuhan dengan rutinitas minggu itu, dan orang-orang memperhatikannya. Mereka menyadari, beberapa waktu ini saya memang sedang jenuh dengan rutinitas minggu. Beberapa orang menawarkan untuk membantu saya keluar dari kejenuhan itu. Rutinitas itu. The meeting friends, the mind-numbing commutes, the eating, the little office chit-chats, the wishing to be some place else, the thinking, the talking, and the socializing. In no particular order.
And of course, the falling in love.

Selama beberapa terakhir ini saya mencari-cari, apakah ada yang salah dengan rutinitas minggu saya, ataukah ada yang salah dengan saya. Minggu terakhir, saya mencoba untuk melakukan aktifias baru, dengan orang-orang BARU. Ternyata saya sadar, saya memang mengalami kejenuhan dengan rutinitas minggu yang sepertinya biasanya. Namun, faktor-faktor yang membuat saya jenuh adalah mungkin cara saya menghabiskannya. Dengan bagaimana, melakukan apa. Bukan dengan siapa, karena dibalik kejenuhan itu, sebenarnya saya selalu mencintai rutinitas minggu saya.

Maka saya mencari cara agar rutinitas ini menjadi lebih baik.

Orang-orang datang dan pergi untuk mengisi minggu saya agar minggu ini selalu terasa menyenangkan. Yang membuat saya tetap mencintai rutinitas ini adalah, diantara orang-orang baru, aktifitas baru, apapun yang baru, ada seseorang yang tetap tinggal dan menemani saya dalam rutinitas minggu ini. The meeting new friends, the new mind-numbing commutes, the eating new, the new little office chit-chats, the wishing to be some new place else, the new thinking, the new talking, and the socializing, they could be new.

But love? It's just the same, the same old love, with the same old person.

let.......go

jika saja mendefinisikan sebuah hubungan semudah membalikkan telapak tangan.
jika saja membuatmu mengerti semudah kamu membuat saya mengerti bahwa sebuah hubungan memang sulit dimengerti.

saya banyak memperhatikan pembicaraan orang ketika hubungan mereka sudah berakhir namun mereka masih ingin memperbaikinya. the hardest part of letting go. breathing deeply.... let it all out. put all the "bad" out in the air without a care. hate. dissapoinment. anger. pick your poison. gravitas dan kapasitasnya terlalu berat untuk membuat kamu bergerak atau bahkan membuat kamu berubah. hingga kita sampailah pada satu titik dimana emosi-emosi itu mengkonsumsi kita, bahkan menjadi tolak ukur pemerintahan perspektif kita.

sebenarnya, yang menjadi lebih sulit adalah ketika kita harus memilih untuk mengambil tahap let go itu tadi. mengambil kutipan dari Neil Geilman, it takes hostages. well, well.

ada satu pemikiran yang terus menerus berkecamuk dalam kepala ini hingga saya memilih keputusan yang diambil orang-orang lainnya bahwa keputusan untuk mencoba menyudahi hubungan yang memang sudah disudahi:
time? effort? someone else? no.
take the riskier chance? hmm.
maybe the thing is...you were never really appreciating it until now.
until i decide........better for us never.

somehow, these song remind me of......

time - culture club
Ooh, in time.... It could have been so much more...The time is precious I know...
In time.....It could have been so much more......The time has nothing to show..

all i can do - club 8
be patient, try harder, i'll help you in my own way
see clearer, be happy......honey, it would be alright.......

la ritournelle - sebastien tellier
oh nothing's going to change my love for you,
I wanna spend my life with you......................
so we make love on the grass under the moon, no one call tell, damned if I do
forever journey on golden avenues, I drift in your eyes...
since I love you
I got that beat in my veins for only rule,
Love is to share................................. mine is for you................

there is a light that never goes out - the lucksmiths
And if a double-decker bus, crashes into us
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck kills the both of us
To die by your side...well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine....

well, well............ they're remind me of you...

hmmm..

mungkin ia memang seharusnya tetap asyik dengan kesehariannya. tidak ada yang salah dengan hal itu. ia tidak perlu dibuat bingung, tidak perlu berfikir extra, tidak perlu mengkhawatirkan apapun hanya karena telah menemukan sebuah warna seperti sebuah pelangi sebagai simbolis dari warna kehidupan. mungkin memang sudah seharusnya ia dipertemukan dengan sebuah warna, walaupun warna itu belum tentu yang terbaik untuknya. jika memang sebuah pohon merasa cocok setelah menemukan warnanya, bukan tidak mungkin pula warna tersebut juga merasa cocok dengan pohon itu. sekali lagi, tidak ada yang salah. mari meminta kehidupan untuk mengaturnya, karena jika memang salah satu dari mereka sudah menemukan pasangannya, berarti ada rencana lain yang tengah dipersiapkan alam semesta untuk memberikan warna lain yang lebih baik untuknya. mungkin warna yang ini akan membantu agar pohon tersebut lebih "berwarna", hahaha..cheers! ;D

panji, just the way it is........

what do you expect from your own guy in your relationship?

The answer is : I just........don't know.
I mean, he's not romantic kinda guy, NOT that I like a guy who give me flowers.
He's not a perfect eligible guy, NOT that i expect him to be that kinda guy.
So he's imperfect, but who doesn't?
We hit more than half year, and there were times when i thought that maybe he doesn't realize i'd take this hard. There were times when i thought that what he really wants for our relationship is just a companion. We're far from the '' valentine's couple '', nope. way too far from romantic, hahaha.
But guess what?
we never create ''moments'', but it's there, lot of moments happened naturally, even for ridiculous one that makes me never be able to forget. I knew i can love him just from his silly or stupid things. He never impressed me by giving any romantic songs he made by himself or asking me for candle light dinner. But.......he can fight for me, fight for my pride, protect me whenever i need him, care for me, love me with his own simply way,
convince me that with his imperfectness,
he can be perfect for me.