Saturday, July 31, 2010

day #17 Blur, not the band

I’ll spare you overly-analyzed details but I will share my recklessly candid thoughts on these past events

When you feel like you’re leaving certain period in your life you tend brace yourself for the impact. The impact of something totally uncertain and possibly foreign. You’re psyching up yourself to expect the unexpected (i.e. The Worst), you try to futilely make some sort of feeble sense of the little information or knowledge of have of the what’s-to-come.

You struggle, perhaps.

Not the sort of struggle that entails the clashing of fists and all that but maybe the sort of turmoil that happens in the heart and in the mind. Emotions that refuse to be understood. Thoughts that simply cannot rest. I guess biologically, that’s how we were built. To be on our toes, to be alert, to be ready. But the question still lingers…"Be ready for what, exactly?" Ahhh, the anxiety and innate curiosity the future brings.

Maybe in that bracing of ourselves for the Unknown, we unconsciously try to take in every single detail, mercilessly try to cheat time to letting us savor the remaining certainty we have. I have many times tried to encapsulate my emotions, tried to hold on to memories, tried to breathe a little slower to take it all in. To take a single flash of a zillion happenings all in a brief moment. Too much to digest. The mind can only take in so much, unfortunately. Thank God, for technology.

Drawing a mental picture, it seems that you try to protect yourself from the looming Unknown but at same time, you render yourself utterly vulnerable by trying to take in everything. Unfiltered. So real. In motion. And there you are in middle of two seemingly opposing forces. And there you lay more perplexed. And that is how I feel. So overwhelmed. Like a tidal wave. That in one swift encompassing motion, stuns me. Drowning. An overkill.


Free of regret.

And in processing everything that’s happened, I’ve come up with fragmented happy pieces. And the giddy emotions and the vivid memory re-makes.

I once said: in my moment of drowning, in any moment of confusion and shock, I’ve learned to love even more, to give more generously, to live more passionately, to laugh even louder, smile more sincerely, and to hope unrelentingly because on my way to recovering those little bits and pieces, I’ve become someone I’ve never thought I could be at this point. More mature perhaps. But definitely, someone braver who’ll face the Unknown with the knowlegde that I’m living the way I wanted to be.

In the middle of all this hum-drum, I’m happy I lost myself somewhere.

And i remember that i always say:

Tomorrow may be shit. But I’ve come too far, why stop?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

yes. if we didn't notice about which foot that stepped first when we started our journey yesterday, so why even bother if tomorrow is another shit one ?

u r always be a lovable person, sister, no matter how dark u try to write your mind is.

-your big brother that always, always, and always love you so much-